No More Sitting It Out

Spark #156 - Shame lingers if you let it

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The trail was long, buggy and hot.
I hiked for miles to reach the top.

Now I’m here.
Standing on Mount Kimeo in northern Maine.
My heart is pounding.
My legs are toast.
And I’m face to face with the fire tower.

Five stories high.
Open stairs. No railings.
Nothing between me and the sky.

I stare up, knees already shaking.
Part of me wants to back away.
Maybe I’ll sit this one out.

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And just like that, I’m seven again.
Brooklyn kid on a Catskills vacation.
Another moment that felt too big.
Another wave of fear.

The dads take us horseback riding.
I step up to meet my first horse.
She’s massive. I’m tiny.
My knees shake. I freeze.

I say no.
I’m too scared.
So I sit it out.
In the back of a hot sedan
with the 70s moms and their cigarettes.

I stare out the window.
Burning with shame.
Swallowing my pride.

That wasn’t the last time I froze in fear.
It wasn’t the last time I retracted instead of leaned in.

I didn’t get on that horse that day.
And it made an imprint.
I held back more.
Believed in myself less.

Now here I am again staring up at that fire tower.
Same knees.
Same fear.

But now I know the cost of sitting it out.
And how it can linger for years.
So, I take a deep breath.
I nod to that seven-year-old.

This time, I go.